Deck the halls!

Now don’t get me wrong they really don’t get much wear out of their clothes but I’ve never been the type to get emotional when folding endless vests up for storage. I’ve always been excited to get the next size clothes in her draws. I know for some this past time definitely pulls on the heart strings but for me bringing the Christmas decorations down that we’ve used for the past 5 years has left me feeling nostalgic, it definitely caught me by surprise. 

This time of year is definitely my favourite, not because of Christmas Day which I personally think is overrated but because of the cold dark nights, the scrummy hot chocolates and the twinkling lights on the tree. I’m normally eager to get our tree up and decorated however this year has brought on feelings of reluctance. Reluctance to dust off and open our shop bought, factory churned uniform baubles feels like I’m opening a pandora of last years memories that I don’t want to lose.

Reflecting back on this time last year having a two week old baby I was like a rabbit in the headlights, watching my baby’s every breath as she slept, jumping at her every murmur, unsure whether I could fulfil her needs. Now I can just remember her new smell, her warm cuddles and her stillness. I long to hold my tiny baby against my chest.

Within our boxes of neatly packed tree decorations amongst the Disney collection acquired in our first year of marriage lies an array of pink ‘baby’s first Christmas ‘ tree hangings. I realise only now I was so overwhelmed with becoming a new mummy I didn’t really savour the special moment of her first Christmas. I understand that she didn’t have any idea about the concept of Christmas last year and probably still doesn’t this year but this one definitely feels different, I can feel the magic, I’m excited for our first visit to Santa and to show her the sparkly lights all around. Lots of opportunities for new firsts.

We are going to open our box of Christmassy delights year after year remembering the previous year with a full, festive heart and although her first Christmas will inevitably will become a distant memory and the fresh feelings will fade, her pink baubles will always remain, hanging proud on our tree, creating a special memory of their own and surrounded by new ones.

Note: the re-read made me cry!!! 

H

The human heart

The human heart  is an organ that pumps blood throughout the body via the circulatory system, so how can Audrey make mine hurt so much lately?

I’m a self confessed ‘Googler’. I am the person that will self diagnose a problem via google (not recommended) or quickly confirm the latest celeb gossip with a search on the wonderful web. I even typed in the human heart to check what it’s correct function was.

At 11 months Audrey’s separation anxieties are at a all time high, all she wants is daddy. I guess most babies are clingy to their parents but this ‘phase’ is ridiculous and one of the hardest stages of being a parent for me.

It is lovely seeing the incredible bond between daddy and daughter but when Dave leaves the room and I fail to comfort her my heart aches and the feeling of being inadequate showers me. It’s not all fun and games for daddy either as sadness overwhelms, seeing both me and Audrey heartbroken.

It was a trip to jersey to stay with family when I nearly reached breaking point! Dave couldn’t even turn his back without a complete meltdown, I felt like a pretty unless mummy. At 3 in the morning, trying to keep her quiet not to wake the house hold after another daddy episode i turned to google.

Instant relief! After convincing myself all week that Audrey had some kind of disorder and I was going straight to the health visitor as soon as we returned home I was pleased to find official nhs advice on the subject.

I was settled to read that all children can go through these separation issues until school age and they could feel particularly unsafe in certain situations making their anxieties worse and they would therefore turn to the caregiver they feel safest with. Quite obvious really!

Looking at her little life as a whole I’ve put her through a lot in the past month from returning to university myself to failed settling in sessions at nursery and now taking her to stay with family who themselves have their own busy work/family routine.

A giant pillar of strength as dave was described at our wedding, his arms are definitely my safe place so thinking about it clearer I definitely don’t blame Audrey for daddy being her protector. Google salvaged our week away and allowed the organ commonly known as a heart to pump blood and love around my body once again.

The greatest gift

We were spoilt with gifts for Audrey both at my baby shower and when she was born and we appreciated every single one. Here’s our top 5 greatest gifts that you may not think of for new parents to be.

5. Gift cards

Ordinarily I might of considered a gift card as a little thoughtless but we received a generous amount of supermarket and pharmacy type shops gift cards. This allowed us to the unexpected items we needed once Audrey was born such as dummy’s, next size nappies, bigger vests and even treat myself to some new waterproof mascara, much needed for the hormones pregnancy brings.

4. Bathroom products and nipple cream.

It was lovely to get a hot shower towards the end of my pregnancy to ease my aches and pains, even better with a luxury shower gel that had been bought for me. 

Every evening I would enjoy a bump massage before bed with a soothing Mum to be oil, something I wouldn’t have bought for myself. Leaving me stretch mark free!

Initially breastfeeding was really painful and I giggled when I received nipple cream as part of a baby shower gift but I was soon frantically scrambling around for it when I got home from the hospital with Audrey.

3. Home made and hand me down.

We had a few homemade gifts such as blankets, booties, cardigans and wall art signs and no matter what the cost , the fact people had took the time to make something for our baby was the most heart warming feeling that money could never buy.

As explained in grand advice (see previous blog) when friends and family give you toys and clothes that their own children and grandchildren have played with or worn it makes that gift just a tiny bit more special. 

I kept my own baby blanket that my mum had made for me when I was a baby and it was important to me that Audrey used it when she was born, and she did!

2. Time and space.

Time for two reasons. First I understand that you can’t go to someone’s house and start poking around but the close friends and family who came to visit and would just come in and put the kettle on or wash the dishes left in the sink without asking or fussing was massively helpful and appreciated. 

The second reason I picked time together with space is that friends and family were extremely respectful that although they were all excited to meet Audrey we too wanted our own time as a new family in our home, sometimes we would say no to having visitors and we would tell them when we were ready. Lastly as a add on it was also appreciated when vistors were on time and didn’t overstay their welcome (new parents don’t be afraid to ask visitors to leave, they will understand).

1. FOOD 

The greatest gift of all! Having a new baby to look after, preparing any type of meal hot or cold can be difficult and in the first few weeks it was definitely grab and go foods for us. For both parents it is vital to eat properly to ensure your energy levels and sanity remain. From the friends and family that brought cake, biscuits and even a pint of milk to those who went that extra mile to plate up extra dinners, bring a picnic lunch, offer a takeaway or bring a frozen meal, you would never know how much we appreciated it. Even more so when they held Audrey to eat a hot meal!! 

Now Audrey is 10 months old we still massively appreciate any type of food offering (until she’s 18), it doesn’t get any easier to prepare and eat a hot meal. I will definitely add to the cute outfits I buy for any of my expectant friends in the future.

The names bond

I’ve always loved a baby cuddle and when the pregnancy test said positive I dreamed of cuddling my own. Many would say that the love you have for your own child is instant and unconditional. I want to explain why I didn’t feel this love and why I won’t feel guilty.

As dave cuddled my ever growing bump I joked that he best make the most of it because he wouldn’t get a look in when our baby arrived. I loved feeling her little kicks and hiccups in my tummy. 

I can’t describe the feeling of holding my baby after a long labour, she fell so warm and I instantly wanted to cuddle and protect her. As quickly as I met my little one I was taken away for my placenta removal. After coming round from the anaesthetic 2-3 hours had passed and I returned, exhausted, to a dressed baby asleep on her daddy’s chest. I felt jealous, guilty and heartbroken that I missed out on the precious first hours of her being here. 

Exhausted from pregnancy, labour and a operation I just wanted to rest but our daughter needed me and I relentlessly breastfed her and held her while she slept. She certainly didn’t like being put down in the hospital crib so I didn’t sleep for two solid nights. I could help feeling sorry for myself, chocolate chip cookies and cups of coffee got me through.

During hypnobirthing classes a technique was to visualise our baby. Audrey doesn’t look like how I pictured her to be. I imagined her to be my double, the fact she had blond hair and blue eyes made me feel like I didn’t know her, sometimes questioning if she was even mine.

Returning home was very daunting, we were responsible for this tiny baby. I was reassured that I was doing well with breastfeeding by the Midwife which boosted my confidence, I was happy to be settled in the comfort of our home. The thought of leaving the house filled me with dread, old anxieties flared up. For the first time in years I felt very self conscious about having a disability. If Audrey cried where people going to think I couldn’t cope or I shouldn’t have a baby? The thoughts made me really nervous.

Due to the blood transfusion I had to inject myself for 6 weeks to stop any blood clots, it felt I was back to were I began, injecting for IVF. I just wanted to enjoy my new baby but the recovery from the after birth was stopping me. Each painful injection made me emotional, I even thought about not taking them but my dependent little new born kept those thoughts at bay.

Over the coming months I found groups I could attend in my local area. Although I felt silly singing nursery rhymes, dancing around old church halls and constantly bruising my knees getting in and out my chair onto the floor, I felt it pushed me to actually get out the house, finally giving us some routine. The more groups I tried the more picky I could be as to which suited us best. We started to see the same faces so it was nice to be able to talk to likeminded people which made me feel like a normal mummy. The silly singing also helped our bonding as week by week I could see how Audrey would respond to my voice with infectious smiles.

At just over 9 months old there are still a couple of the same groups I still attend, to see Audrey play some of the instruments herself and recognise the songs makes me give myself a little pat on the back for pushing through my fears .

Although dave and our home carers do almost all of the practical things for Audrey, which means she’ll reach for them when she wants something, her smile when I pretend to sneeze or her wave in the morning just makes my heart melt.

In hindsight my bond with Audrey was always there, I think the added trauma from the afterbirth recovery combined with feeling sorry for myself was really the issue. My love for her now is completely unconditional, the more she grows the more my love for her does. I don’t feel guilty about not immediately falling in love with her because she hasn’t missed out on anything, if anything it’s made us do a lot more than most to create a special bond that has grew over time and will continue to forever grow.

Breast is best?

Breast feeding is quite a hot topic at the moment and many celebrities are making it ‘trendy’, it is shocking that breastfeeding in public has only been legal in the uk for less than 20 years. With watching close friends and family breastfeeding and attending courses that boasted how natural it was together with the fact that it was free breastfeeding was definitely for me!

At 20 weeks pregnant I woke up one morning with two little wet patches on my top were my nipples had leaked. It was actually dave that amusingly noticed and I was unusually quite embarrassed. This was very early to start lactating but we took it as a sign that breastfeeding was meant to be.

Attending a number of breastfeeding workshops where we awkwardly practiced stimulating nipples with knitted boobs and breastfeeding holds with creepy dolls actually excited me as it felt so natural. We didn’t buy bottles or anything related to formula feeding as it just wasn’t a thought in our minds.

As my little bump grew so did my boobs and milk flow, I really enjoyed seeing my body doing what it was naturally supposed too, plus the purt boobs were a bonus.

Audrey was born and I breastfed her straight away. The next few days are all sadly a bit of a blur but the hospital were very supportive and helped me with positioning her and latching, they even tried to relieve the pressure by offering to give her one formula feed to allow me to rest. I was so sure breastfeeding was for us I declined this offer. I was prepared for pain from others experiences but nothing prepared me for how toe curling the pain actually would be. 

During our time in hospital it was revealed that Audrey was tongue tied but I was reassured that this didn’t effect breastfeeding, until I got home and my Midwife cut it and from then latching was much quicker and the pain dramatically eased.

I’m not shy about saying I really didn’t enjoy breastfeeding, I found it uncomfortable, demanding and relentless. She was a very hungry baby I would be constantly feeding her. However she did sleep through from 4 weeks old so that gave me some relief. I do want to say that when breastfeeding in public I never felt any negativity or people looking it was always my own insecurities that made me feel uncomfortable which were a surprise even for me.  At times my involuntary movements and lack of coordination would mean my boob was left out just chilling while I kept Audrey safe.

As Audrey grew bigger breastfeeding in my chair was becoming a problem, she still needed head support yet I could find a comfortable position that could satisfy both our needs.

We gave Audrey her first formula feed at 11 weeks old, I cried during the whole thing although I had a feeling of guilt and failure it was lovely to see daddy enjoining the special moment. We didn’t make a habit of the formula feeding but we knew it was available as backup. I tried expressing but it wasn’t really for me, I did a few bottles to allow grandparents to experience feeding but by the time I expressed a bottle I could have just fed her myself.

I stopped breastfeeding altogether at around 5 months, dropping a feed at a time every 2-3 days, I felt it was a very mutual decision between Audrey and myself and this I must remember.

At just over 9 months I have times when I do feel guilty for stopping breastfeeding because I liked that she needed me and I soothed her as she drifted into a peaceful sleep detaching herself when she was ready. I look at others around me and applaud their patience and commitment but I mustn’t forget I did what was right for us.

To summarise I had a very love hate relationship with breastfeeding and I couldn’t say whether I would breastfeed again. I loved the bond it gave me and Audrey but it didn’t feel a very natural process and I certainly didn’t make it look trendy. 

Grand advice

Grand advice 

After ending the week buying the third car seat and third high chair , I thought I’d write a practical blog about baby items that I didn’t really need to buy and hopefully save some expectant parents some pennies.

Whilst pregnant I would find myself staring at people walking past with gorgeous proms. At around 26 weeks pregnant I settled for the egg in quantum grey complete with lie down section, stroller, fur insert, footmuff, car seat and matching bag. It cost nearly £1000 (a grand), I justified the price because it would last until our baby was 5. Being superstitious I arranged to leave it at my dads but when the 4 boxes arrived I just couldn’t help myself I had to have a go. I hurried dave to put it together and I gushingly pushed it up and down the hall with a teddy in the place of where our new born would soon lie.

It was mini break to Gibraltar the made us go and buy a cheap lightweight buggy as we didn’t want the beautiful expensive egg getting damaged and we also needed a car seat that could be fixed with just a seatbelt for taxi purposes. The buggy with all the extras that the egg had together with a charity shop bag cost no more than £150. Since making this purchase I wouldn’t say we have used the buggy more but it it certainly more convenient than the pram. The buggy would have done us fine if we hadn’t have bought the pram. The compact design allows for a easier transition with using other cars such as traveling in taxis or family members as well as being quicker to assemble for those flying visits to the shop.

I was also unaware that the new born carry car seat is height and weight dependant , at just over 9 months old and weighing about 24lbs we have just bought Audrey a 360 spin car seat that will last until she’s 4 and can be used from birth. Having this from the start would have saved straining our backs getting her out of the car seat from the car, she’s too heavy to be lifted in her baby carrier now anyway.

Audrey was a very hungry baby and we bought a John Lewis high chair when she was just 4 months to start weaning, granted it was second hand but the soft cushioning makes it a nightmare to keep clean and a £10 alternative is a better solution, wipeable and her leg positioning means she can sit under the table comfortably. Having grandparents that live away from us buying a third fold up seat attachable chair allows Audrey to join the family meal times at their house and it is easy to store away.

I don’t feel bad in saying that I think we have only bought Audrey 1 or 2 brand new toys. It’s not because we can’t afford new toys, I just don’t see the point.  Friends and family are really generous with buying her toys and passing things down from their own children. I also refuse to pay for the box because that’s what you mainly pay for with a new toy . I love a rummage around a charity shop, I like the idea of the story behind each played with toy plus we want to teach Audrey the value of her items and when she is big enough she can choose her toys to go to the charity shop for other children to play with. There are some real bargains to be had as well as helping local charities, a quick wipe down or a throw in the machine and most are as good as new.

I do wish I knew what I really needed to buy and I I definitely could have saved some money. Who has a child aged 5 in a pram anyway? Although we did always want a brand new all singing all dancing pram so we probably would have bought this anyway, it made the pregnancy feel real. Audrey has grew out of so many toys already I’m glad I quickly learned not to buy them all brand new.

Love labour and eat yourself

Yes I am one of those minority weirdo’s that actually loved labour. Some of my friends would probably say I took it too far but here’s how burning my toes, getting festive and staring at the light switch got me through a drug free labour.

Still sceptical about how hypnobirthing could see me through labour, as my pregnancy aches and pains grew so did my desperation to try anything for just a little relief. I found daydreaming about holding our little bundle together with a I will get through this attitude got me through the long days towards the end. I attended a weekly yoga group that helped me focus on my breathing and I still had my acupuncture sessions which if nothing else give me a hours sleep. The thought of labour scared me and I was almost encouraged to have a C-section but to me that was me using my disability as a excuse.

Over the weeks the urge to have the most natural labour possible was more appealing and I even signed up to have my placenta encapsulated so I could eat it, said to help milk flow, weight loss and bonding. Pregnancy had really changed me, the love I had and the desire to protect the baby who was giving me those tiny little kicks was overwhelming.

From 36 weeks pregnant I started to prepare my body for labour, there was no way I was going over my due date. Apart from sex which needed a mathematical equation due to my size and pain, I tried every wife’s tale under the sun. With the baby engaged and with the green light from the Midwife I started with 6 dates a day. Yes I said dates they are said to relax and lubricant your cervix, due to the time of year the shops were stocked up on the festive delights. I stuck to plain dates but the odd marzipan or pistachio stuffed date was a real treat.

At 39 weeks I let my acupuncture dr burn my little toes with some kind of Chinese cigar type stick, it was meant to induce labour. I also took raspberry leaf tea capsules and cod liver oil pills as well as eating the hottest curry I could find and spending my evenings bouncing on the ball. I was a herbalists dream!

You may be chuckling and to be honest even writing it I sound crazy but 2 days before my due date and after my 3rd sweep followed by a drive along a bumpy road I felt very uncomfortable and teary. I opted for a early night and at 4am labour started. Rather than being scared I was relieved that I would have my baby very soon.

I stayed in bed, kept our bedroom as dark as possible and stared at the light switch for the next 6 hours intermittently mooing like daisy the cow in-between snuggly naps with dave and the dogs, who didn’t leave my side. A home visit from the Midwife confirming I was in labour, she reminded me of my hypnobirthing techniques which had me set until around 7pm. Nothing seemed urgent or frantic, I was reasonably comfortable just staring at the silver mirrored light switch allowing my body’s urges to push and breath.

With contractions getting closer together I decided it was time for hospital but not before applying full makeup between each contraction, with dave turning the light on and off so I could get through each contraction in the dark as I wanted. The rest of the time in hospital was a bit of a blur but I got through the rest of the delivery by using all my hypnobirthing techniques, I took a light up cube which kept my focus. I did have a little gas and air at 9cm, with my waters breaking matrix style at 3am, I delivered our daughter completely naturally at 313am on her due date, just shy of 24 hours in labour.

What happened next was all so quick but this is me, I’d delivered a beautiful healthy baby with no complications, to good to be true? As the midwife allowed dave to weigh our new addition I saw panic on her face and felt extremely wet. I’d opted for a natural placenta delivery without the use of the injection this process could take up to a hour however as it was being guided out my umbilical cord retracted back into my womb and the placenta was stuck causing me to haemorrhage. I was rushed to surgery and my placenta was manually removed together with needing a blood transfusion. 

As a result of this I had to stay in hospital for 4 days with extreme swelling. As much as I wanted to be at home with my new family I appreciated the extra support from the hospital Midwife’s and carers. They let dave stay the whole time and we had a private room because of my disability, which was a godsend. I was exhausted and overwhelmed, I needed him and he was my rock.

I never did get to have my placenta encapsulated because of the way it was removed but all that mattered was I was ok and I had a healthy baby who entered the world perfectly without secondary drug side effects in her.

I may have been a bit neurotic trying alternative therapies but Audrey was born on her due date with a comfortable natural delivery. I definitely believe there is something true about the wife’s tales and alternative treatments. Without a doubt I would recommend trying these risk free techniques even if it is to enjoy a few dates at Christmas and a takeaway curry at the weekend. Our light switches will forever be a talking point in our house!